Seeking Balance

I wonder everyone has the same dilemma that I do. I have so many interests and things that I want to learn, that I really don't do much of anything. I mean I am always doing something, but it seems it's never done. I have so much reading I want to do, and that takes up a lot of time. I have sewing, knitting, crochet, and I want to make hemp jewelry. I am getting involved int he PTO and the Neighborhood Watch. I want to be more involved in Sophie's education as well as add to it with spiritual and herbal teachings. Not to mention my own education at RSCC, and in life, which can and will take the rest of my life. I want to be here for my older kids, here for David and be able to nurture our relationship. My spirituality is very important to me, as is being present and involved in the Pagan community. So many things.....how to balance them has always been my problem. Sometimes, I go at one thing til it's "done to death" and I "get it out of my system". And other times I flutter around all my varied interests like a bee in a flower garden, but never really getting much accomplished in any of them. Neither way is totally satisfying. I know that balance is the answer, but with so many other lives intertwined with mine, it is near impossible for me to achieve. So, I continue to work on it.

Escape.......

I have suddenly become aware of the fact that I have been spending an awful lot of time browsing through blogs and looking at different things on the web, in order to escape the difficult things that are happening in my life right now.

It is really amazing how much time you can spend on the internet and getting lost in other people's seemingly carefree lives. Of course I know that is not the case, everyone has their own issues to deal with and problems. But somehow, reading about others lives and even their problems helps me escape from mine.

Living with someone who is dealing with addiction and healing is a long and sometimes lonely life. The pain and struggle that the loved one goes through is a vicious cycle and is so hard to watch. I sometimes think I experience as much pain as he does, though of a very different kind. Now we are almost at a place that he can have some healing and even the close approximation of a cure. Dare we even think that a cure is possible? It is almost too much to comprehend, living without the daily struggle to stay in recovery. Though much of this "cure" will include the same tried and true methods of counseling, support, and constant vigilance, it is supposed to be much easier. We will see. In the meantime, dealing with the issues surrounding addiction has me paralyzed. I cannot seem to get things done for feeling constantly on guard

Happy Birthday Sophie Jane!!!

I really cannot believe that my poppet, Sophie is six years old! It just seems like such a short time ago that I was asking the Goddess for another daughter and promising to raise her in the goddess tradition if I was granted that blessing. Well, it has been six years since we were blessed by the Great Mother. Sophie is a beautiful, intelligent and independent little girl.

She is now in kindergarten and is reading and writing and doing math. She has so many friends in the neighborhood, kids of all ages, that our home is perpetually filled with the sounds of children playing.

When Sophie was born in a lovely water birth, on December 4, 2004, we could tell right away that she was an old soul. You could just see such wisdom in her eyes then, and even now sometimes, we will feel as if we are talking to a wise old grandmother when talking to her. When she was two years old, she began telling us about when she was a mother. Remembering a past life? We believe that she was, though she doesn't seem to now, but that is the way of the world. Humans seem only able to deal with one lifetime at a time.

It has been a wonderful, wild ride these pat six years with her in our lives. A most delightful joy she has brought to us. I am thankful to the Goddess everyday for giving me my little earth baby. She is truly Goddess given and Goddess blessed and has greatly blessed our lives.

Happy Birthday my poppet. I love you.

My Blessings

Today I feel like counting my blessings. Though it sometimes seems that the universe is out to knock me back at every turn, taking the time to look a what I actually do have brings it all into perspective.

I am thankful that my home has become a safe haven for the children in the neighborhood. Some of whom are latchkey kids and some who just don't get the kind of care and supervision they need, for whatever reason. I am blessed to see them all playing here and enjoying the variety of fun things to do. I am blessed by having enough food to share with them when they come in hungry. I am blessed by my children having good friends to play with and learn with.

I am thankful for open minded people and especially for those who helped me learn to have an open mind. I am thankful that I am not a bigoted or racist person. I am thankful that my children are also open minded.

I am thankful for and blessed by my home, Witchwood. Where it is warm and welcoming to friends and family. Where there is always the laughter of children and something going on. It is a home filled with love, laughter, and fun. I am thankful for the bit of earth I have here, for the tomato fresh from the garden and warm from the sun. I am thankful for the sunflowers that smile at me from the kitchen table. I am thankful for the cherry tree that gave its life in last month's storm that will provide the harvest bonfire and offer a piece of itself for artists to create with. I am thankful for the grapevine that was in the cherry tree, that will provide much material for wreaths to make for the season's decorating.

I am thankful for my beautiful daughter, Sophie, who is growing so quickly and who is learning so fast about the world and her place in it. And who has no fear, she knows what she wants and goes after it, I only hope she never loses that quality.

I am thankful for my husband, David. Thankful for his support in everything that I do. He is the most wonderful man I have ever known, despite and because of the challenges he has faced in his life. We have such a strong connection and we are certain that our souls have always been together and always will be.

I am thankful for my body. Though I am still coming to terms with the changes of being in my forties.....I am thankful that my body can work hard and play hard. I am thankful for the yoga, belly dancing, hooping, and swimming. I am thankful for the nuturing and lovemaking that my body can do, and for the pleasure that my body gives me and others. I am thankful that when I look in the mirror I do not only see who I am on the outside, but also who I am on the inside, and its a pretty good person to be.

Finally, I am thankful for having art brought back into my life. For the creative flow of the Muses, for the nudge from the Goddess to create Her image in my art.

May you find many blessings in your own life today. *Peace*

Keepin it Real

Inspired by this post at Childhood Magic and the fact that today is my 42nd birthday, I am posting a few untouched photos of myself. This is what 42 looks like! At least for me. I think that I look better and am definitely in better health than I have ever been.

This one David loves, to me it feels too revealing, but I post it here in honor of keepin it real, this is me.











I like this one, it was taken in the temple, I love the dress and feel very feminine and sexy in it.







This one was at the park, a picnic with Sophie and David. Just a relaxing day with my family.

Next a self portrait, taken just because.

In the new reading glasses, I really don't have issue with wearing them, plus David says they look hot. :)

Birthday Countdown....

My forty second birthday is just around the corner. I am torn between two opposing viewpoints on the subject. On the one hand, I have always loved celebrating my birthday with my family and friends. I enjoy the company, foods, and I'll be honest..the gifts. But I am having a bit of trouble with the whole 'forty-something' idea. While I have always subscribed to the age is just a number game, I am now faced with my own number, and it is giving me a little bit of grief. I look into the mirror and I see not the youthful "girl" that I feel like inside, but a mature woman. Not old looking, but definitely showing the wisdom of my years. I get incredulous looks and gasps when I am asked my age, and I have never felt the need to lie about it. So I guess I am lucky that I don't really look what most people believe 42 to look like. However, I am here to tell everyone that this IS what 42 looks like! At least for me. So, with that in mind, and with my birthday looming, I am going to be keeping it real for the next few weeks and sharing some of the things that my forties are bringing me. (I will also share some of the celebrating) Stay tuned....this ought to be interesting.

More Yoga in my Life

I have been thinking that I need to have more yoga in my life. At this moment in time, I cannot afford to go to the local yoga classes though I would love to have that experience. I was in a yoga "class" at a pagan gathering I once attended and having someone come over and show me how to get into a pose was awesome. Anyway, my friend asked if I would be interested in doing some yoga with her in the evenings, and I thought it was a great idea. I could get in another yoga practice in since I do mine in the early morning and that was not convenient for her. After thinking about it for a couple of days, I thought to ask a few other friends if they would be interested in joining us, so it may turn into a little yoga class between friends! I am so excited! I have always thought I would enjoy teaching yoga, helping others to feel the benefits and joy that yoga can bring. This is a chance to try it. Thanks to my friends. Not to mention we will get to spend more time together while doing something really good for ourselves~always a bonus! Yoga blessings.

Sensuality and the Every Day~Part 2

In the summer I find many different things can be sensual, and more sensual in summer than at any other time of the year. Again, not necessarily in a sexual way, although that is always an option. I have been known to find the sexual in almost anything. lol

Swinging on a swing can be sensual. The wind blowing through my hair, drowning out other sound. if the swing is high enough, the breeze causing my blouse or skirt to wrap and slap around me.
Cool showers after being out in the hot sun. The way the heat of my skin warms the cool water as it first hits and cascades down my body is very sensual.

Eating summer fruits such as strawberries, melons, mango,and peaches can be sensual. Especially when I can leave the care of sticky face and hands and arms behind, letting the juices trickle down where they may. That is what those showers are for after all.

Walking barefoot on the breast of the Mother Earth. Whether I walk on cool green grass, rich brown earth, hot sand or stone, the heartbeat of the Mother can be felt through my feet.

Sensuality is everywhere.

The smells of summer; fresh herbs like basil, mint and lavender. Flowers such as rose, honeysuckle, and jasmine. Foods being cooked over an open fire. The rich earthy scent of a bonfire. The sweet sweat of my lover in the heat of a summer night. My daughter's hair after she's been sitting in the sun and fresh from the bath. The soft scent of clover when I lie in a carpet of it.

The sounds of summer; birdsong, from early morn til the late evening; cicadas all along the roadsides; the peep and croak of frogs on a summer night; the hum of a hummingbird's wings as it sips from feeder on the porch; the buzz of the honeybee nuzzling into the flowers in the garden; The laughter of children playing in the sprinkler. The noisy lapping of water by my dog after coming in from the heat. The soft slopping of the water against the side of the canoe, the slush of the paddle gliding through the water.

In all of these I find sensuality. What do you find sensual?

Sensuality and the Every Day~Part 1

So, I have always been a very sensual person. Everyone who knows me intimately has said as much and I really enjoy that fact. Lately, though I have been putting forth a concerted effort to bring more sensuality into my life. By sensuality I don't necessarily mean sexual things, although I do love those! Sensuality is defined as: The quality or state of being sensual; devotedness to the gratification of the bodily appetites; free indulgence in carnal or sensual pleasures; luxuriousness; voluptuousness; lewdness. While this may be true to some extent, I believe sensuality encompasses much more than this.

Some of the things I have done recently to bring more sensuality into my life begins with sleeping in the nude. I not only get to feel the cool (or warm as the case may be) sheets, but I can feel the skin of my lover and his caress as we sleep. I can feel my body and that helps me to know it and love it as the Temple of the Goddess that I believe it to be.

Recently too, David has begun brushing my hair with the wooden hairbrush, in the evenings while we watch movies. This is very sensual to he and I both. Other things that I am exploring now are: fabrics~in clothing and furnishings, sounds, nature, of course. Water~ including baths, showers, fountains, lakes, the ocean. Food~ something that I never thought could be sensual, but have found can be since I began eating vegan.

Sensuality is an important part of my life, and though it certainly can be of a sexual nature, it doesn't have to be. There are many experiences and even feelings that are sensual to me. Touch is probably the most sensual of the senses. Sensual touch is not only sexual, or even only between lovers. Touching my newborn babies was one of the most sensual things I have ever experienced. The skin of a newborn just from the womb is warm, moist and creamy with protective vernix. I enjoyed massaging this into my babies' skin after birth. Infant massage was a big part of all of their childhoods. Finger-caressing the soft fontanel on the top of their little heads was always sensual too. I have always been touchy-feely with my children. From baby wearing them in a sling carrier to breast feeding, it doesn't get much more sensual. Now with my five year old, it is brushing her long brown hair, taking the extra time to braid it and help her learn to care for it. Also bathing her, though she now does most of it herself, I enjoy putting lotion on her, post bath, as well as sunblock every morning before she heads out for another day of play in the sunshine. All very sensual to me, and I hope to her.

Food Gathering

Why is it that even in this day and age, women are still the primary food gatherers? As many of you know, here in East Tennessee we are expecting a significant snow storm. Unusual for us and it makes people go a little crazy. Really, they come out in droves to the stores and begin stocking up on things they couldn't possibly have a need for in the event that they can't get out of their homes. Never mind that we never have snow that lasts for more than a few days. They panic, plain and simple.

What I noticed when I went to the grocery for some things that we were out of, was that though it was very crowded, the majority of the shoppers were women. At least 90%. Where are the men? Not out hunting that is for sure. I can't help but wonder why women are still the ones who gather the food. Even though we do it at grocery stores and markets rather than in the fields and woods.

Maybe it has to do with the fact that most women have a greater stake in the health and well being of their families. Whether the feminists like it or not, women are the ones who know what is best for the families, and can decide where and when things should be

purchased. Now don't get me wrong, I am not man-bashing. I love men, but honestly, they just don't take the same interest in getting food for the family. Of course there are exceptions, but unless a guy is a single parent or a bachelor, he most often does not do a fair share of the shopping for food. Now I also noticed at the grocery that the few men I did pass were, all of them, really, on the cell phone to the woman and getting guidance for what to purchase. Come on guys! That is so sad. I will say that I believe women plan meals and prepare more of the nutritious meals for a family. And that women have been the gatherers for millennia for that reason. It seems to be a natural thing for us.