Depression rears it's head again. I don't say "ugly" head for a reason. For though going through depression has been a terrible thing, it has also had a positive side. Of course, that is not usually visible until after I am through it. But having been there I can see why I was there, and optimistically hope that I can prevent it happening again.
Obviously, I have not got this last bit down just yet, for I am once again trapped din depression's web. The St. John's Wort that I have been taking for nearly four months now, seems to have stopped working as well for me. I am having what my therapist calls "breakthrough depression". Being depressed even while on medication, granted it's herbal, nonetheless, St. John's Wort has been proven numerous times to help with mild to moderate depression. Does that mean that mine is beyond moderate? I don't know but, my therapist says that it may be time to see an MD about something stronger. I don't relish the idea of taking an antidepressant, I don't, however, this is really beginning to affect my entire life. I realized just recently that though I thought the St. Jon's Wort was helping, it was really only making it possible for me to do the bare minimum of things. Which consisted of making it to class, taking, really, I am ashamed to say, minimal care of my five year old and the rest of the time I spent trying to lose myself in a book or movie.
I know that something else must be done, I am just afraid of the consequences of what that might be.
4 comments:
I also have depression......severe clinical depression .so I know how you are feeling.
Get some help.there is no shame in it.If you had any other medical conditition you would take meds for it??right??
gentle hugs.
feel free to email me if you want to chat or newed a shoulder to lean on.
I have seen the dark.
I have layed it's frayed head in my lap.
I have stroked away the tears with my own.
I have held to the comfort of its lewd arms,
kissed its gaping maw.
And yet, I am still distantly alive.
The people around me are ghosts,
or maybe I have become the ghost.
I walk through walls without seeing.
I eat, but it has no flavor.
I love, but I can no longer feel it.
Numbness, hollowness.
Still there is my secret lover that I despise.
It raises it's head to me with pathetic eyes
and I am helpless to do anything but obey.
I sit in the dark watching and waiting, but I have no idea what for;
other than relief from the waiting and watching
as everything falls to the wayside and I can no longer see.
Don't stay in the dark too long mother or you will get acustomed to it and start to like it then your loved ones will ask you what is wrong all the time and why are you never smiling and why do you never want to have fun and da da da da DA!!!!!! and they just don't understand you do smile and you do have fun. and all that jazz you just don't smile in front of them. and you are comfortable and warm and safe in your lonely darkness. you become happier when you aren't smiling and then the ones closest to you drift off.........
I love you.
Hope you can find the light again soon Yarrow. I too struggle with depression on an all too regular basis so can identify with a lot of what you are saying.
Blessings xxx
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